Imagine if Homer didn't talk. Or move. Or wasn't funny.

First, some good comic news: in today's Get Fuzzy (by Darby Conley), the cat (Bucky Katt) is shown roasting Family Circus Billy on a spit! I'd like to thank my husband for pointing it out to me. Of course, he called Billy "Jeffy." To which I replied, (taking my marital cues from the comics) "You stupid lazy oaf! Now, go out and play some golf while I whip up some foul-tasting meatloaf here in the kitchen."

Today's crappy marriage segment is brought to you by Hi and Lois.

Hi and Lois actually seem to have a decent marriage. They have 4 kids and they both work outside the home, but they seem to be genuinely fond of each other (even if never funny). "Thirsty" Thurston and Mrs. Thurston are the designated married-couple-who-hate-each-other. They are the Flagston's neighbors, and Thirsty works with Hi (well, Thirsty is employed by the same company Hi is, I don't think Thirsty ever works). Thirsty (as his name may imply) is a lazy drunk. Using this same logic, you'd assume that Hi is a toked-out stoner, but, sadly, no.

As usual, the wife is complaining about the husband's laziness. I think Mrs. Thurston has good reason to complain, unlike Helga, who really was being unreasonable. A drunk who ignores his responsibilities! That's funny. Almost as funny as spousal abuse. His pants are kind of funny, I guess.

I started thinking, though. What is Homer Simpson but an animated version of Thirsty Thurston? I mean, Homer's a lazy, ignorant drunk, and, yet, The Simpsons? Brilliant. Absolutely wonderful. I wish I were perceptive enough to explain this phenomenon. Here in Hi and Lois a drunk slacker pisses me off. On The Simpsons it tickles me to no end. Am I so much of a simple-minded idiot that the fact that the Simpsons actually move and talk makes it so I "get it?" I'm 31. I've watched TV my whole life. And now I need movement and sound to "get" humor?

Of course, I don't think that's it. I guess Matt Groening is just a heck of a lot funnier than Brian Walker, Greg Walker and Chance Browne. Somehow I get the sense that Groening is poking fun at these shitty comics as much as he is poking fun at all of America. And, man, I wish I had the perception to figure it out, and the writing skill to explain it. The Simpsons is just better. That's all I can come up with.