Don't Say I Didn't Never Give Y'all Nothin'

Hey folks! If you're anything like me, you're often looking for ways to save time. For instance, why chop 2 onions by hand when you can simply put them in a handy dandy food processor?? I know this blog is usually full of complaints and rants, but I would also like to provide a service, and so I present this guide:


Print that out and laminate it. Then, you can just turn to that instead of actually reading Dennis the Menace. Here's how it works: SKIP Dennis in your paper (saving you the 10 seconds it takes to read it, plus the 45 seconds it takes you to stew over how un-funny it is). Now, later in the day, when you are at a boring meeting, or if you get placed on hold, you can take out your guide and get your fill of wacky Dennis hi-jinks for the day.

Here's some examples:

Scan down the list and choose one "joke" (for instance, "Dennis says something "wise" to Joey). Then, you can just make up your own "joke." You can imagine Joey and Dennis sitting on the stoop. Dennis says, "Just because it's spring, you don't have to play with Slinkies " Or for "Margaret is a bossy bee-yotch," imagine Margaret in the park with a gang of boys. "Boys stick together because they never take baths!" Heeeeee Heee. Then you just chuckle to yourself at your own humor (one of those was an actual DTM, BTW).

The good thing about it is that you can do all sorts of things that are funnier by combining the jokes. For instance: you can combine saying something wise to Joey with bossy Margaret and the dog. Imagine Dennis saying to Joey, "Ruff is humping Margaret's leg because he likes bitches."

Or, you can combine inappropriate chat, Mr. Wilson, and dardnest things and get this:

Dennis: Mom, I think Mr. Wilson wants to see you.
Mom: What do you mean?
Dennis: I heard him say something about "See Alice" to Mrs. Wilson.

See Alice?? Cialis?? Get it? Good, 'cause the Wilsons aren't!! BWAH HA HA. Ooooh. Mr. Wilson can't "get it up." (and see? there's another little joke I can think on later.) I crack myself up.

In other news: We've got a bit of a debate going on over worst Family Circus in February. We have the church scene (and come on, you guys KNOW that one's the worst -- PICK ME PICK ME PICK ME), Jeffy is an asshole to PJ (who's only trying to help), and MaryAnn has suggested solitaire (who's watching the kids while Dad plays cards and Mom cuts weight?). Support your least favorite! Email me at bigalscomicblog@yahoo.com or post your comments to the blog.