It's Keyser Soze!!

No, really, it’s March’s worst Broom Hilda

Yes, I get it. It is a metaphor (not simile, as it’s not using “like” or “as”): Broom Hilda is short and squat; something else short and squat is a fire hydrant (and also . . . Madeline Albright!! Ba dum dum). Get it?? Do you, huh huh? Broom Hilda’s short! She’s squat! A fire hydrant is also short and squat! HAH HAH HAH HAH HA!

It’s a lame, lame “joke.” That’s not what makes it the worst. I mean, all Broom Hildas are lame jokes. What makes this the worst is the asinine set up.

What is going on here? I see two possible scenarios:

SCENARIO 1

Broom Hilda assaulted the guy. He described the “perp” as someone short and squatty, like a fire hydrant (HA HA HA!). So, once the cops had BH in custody, they needed to run a lineup, and so . . . they went out and got some fire hydrants? Or used some fire hydrants that they already had handy? Huh?

SCENARIO 2

The guy WAS assaulted by a fire hydrant (huh? whatever, just go with it), and the cops needed BH to serve as a “lineup filler” (thank you, NYPD Blue, for teaching me the lingo). This makes even less sense than Scenario #1. I mean, how does a fire hydrant commit a crime?? Even if the hydrant didn’t commit the crime, what’s wrong with the “vic” that makes him think a hydrant did it?

Also, let me say that while Broom Hilda looks more like a fire hydrant than, say, Uma Thurman does, it’s not such a resemblance that it’s not totally obvious which one BH is. What kind of crap-ass cops do they have in BH world? Apparently, from the looks of them, they have South American dictator cops. No wonder it’s such a looney bin.

When I explained what made the organ donor comic February’s worst Family Circus, I got some guff about taking a lot of space to explain a “joke” that Bil Keane made in one sentence (of course, that’s the ridiculous point of this blog, but . . ) So, I will further add that this EXACT SAME LAME joke could have been made rather quickly without the ludicrous setup.

Broom Hilda could have been standing on the sidewalk, and a dog could be peeing on her. Too crude? The dog could have just been sniffing her. Still too crude? Firemen could have been trying to hook a firehose up to Broom Hilda's mouth. Yes, the joke is still lame. There are so many many ways this exact same lame joke could have been made. I don't see why in the world the police had to get involved.

And so, the contest for worst March Broom Hilda begins. I am sure we will have at least a few more nominees (heck, if we don't get any, I have a handful I could nominate to run against this one). Nominate your least favorite by commenting here, or email me at bigalscomicblog@yahoo.com. March Broom Hilda's are all online here.