Dear Penthouse,

Sweet heavens! I am clutching my pearls -- shocked at the implications here. What kind of magazines does Alice Mitchell need to hide??? Does Mr. Mitchell get porn??? DOES ALICE???????

I mean, what other sort of magazine would you want to hide from your pastor?? Let's think about the standard magazines people get -- you get a newsweekly (Time or Newsweek), maybe you get a sports mag, a science magazine (like National Geographic or Discovery), or a celebrity rag mag (like People or US Weekly), also maybe a lifestyle magazine like Martha Stewart or GQ or Ladies Home Journal or something.

Anyhow, which of those magazines would you hide from your pastor??? Huh? OK, you could argue that if Ol' Alice got Cosmo and had her "Are You a Candidate for Multiple Orgasms?" quiz open and marked up, she might want to hide it. But, come on, I don't see Alice as a Cosmo subscriber any more than I see Mr. Mitchell subscribing to porn. I, for one, would peg the Mitchells as loyal subscribers to Readers' Digest and the Saturday Evening Post.

So, what is she hiding? Obviously, it's National Geographic with all its Godless talk of evolution and other nonesense. And also she's hiding the porn magazines that they just happen to have scattered about the house.