Shut Your Trap, You Whiny Broad!
Memorial Day has come and gone, which means that summer is here! Ah, summer . . . it's a time of late afternoon thunderstorms, long days, baseball on the radio, dripping ice cream cones, and, of course:
Cathy buying bathing suits!
So, in case you've avoided Cathy for decades (and, if you have -- SMART MOVE!) here's the joke: Fashionable bathing suits are skimpy and unflattering, especially under the harsh lights of department store fitting rooms. Cathy's annual bathing suit shopping trip shatters her self esteem and makes her question, once again, her body image. Often these results are chalked up to the unfairness of life as a woman. Men don't have to go through this ordeal! If women were in charge, bathing suits would be more flattering!!
No, that's not the explanation of this week's bathing suit jokes. That sums up all Cathy bathing suit jokes, EVER. So, some questions:
Why does Cathy need a new bathing suit EVERY YEAR? We rarely see her at the pool or beach. She doesn't seem to need a new one every year.
Has she not heard of Lands' End? They have a wide selection of suits meant to flatter every body type.
Why does she stick with the skimpiest, trendiest suits? They ARE unflattering to her! Cathy -- stop beating your head against the wall!
Go to LandsEnd.com, and find a suit that flatters you! They have a generous return policy. If you are intent on only wearing the skimpiest suits, then get thee to a gymnasium. Stop your whining and complaining and DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT! Good lord, woman, I am tired of your carping!
Take charge, Cathy! Year after year after year after year you experience this same EXACT problem. And yet, year after year you do nothing about it. Put up or shut up, and stop bugging me with your shit.
Cathy buying bathing suits!
So, in case you've avoided Cathy for decades (and, if you have -- SMART MOVE!) here's the joke: Fashionable bathing suits are skimpy and unflattering, especially under the harsh lights of department store fitting rooms. Cathy's annual bathing suit shopping trip shatters her self esteem and makes her question, once again, her body image. Often these results are chalked up to the unfairness of life as a woman. Men don't have to go through this ordeal! If women were in charge, bathing suits would be more flattering!!
No, that's not the explanation of this week's bathing suit jokes. That sums up all Cathy bathing suit jokes, EVER. So, some questions:
Why does Cathy need a new bathing suit EVERY YEAR? We rarely see her at the pool or beach. She doesn't seem to need a new one every year.
Has she not heard of Lands' End? They have a wide selection of suits meant to flatter every body type.
Why does she stick with the skimpiest, trendiest suits? They ARE unflattering to her! Cathy -- stop beating your head against the wall!
Go to LandsEnd.com, and find a suit that flatters you! They have a generous return policy. If you are intent on only wearing the skimpiest suits, then get thee to a gymnasium. Stop your whining and complaining and DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT! Good lord, woman, I am tired of your carping!
Take charge, Cathy! Year after year after year after year you experience this same EXACT problem. And yet, year after year you do nothing about it. Put up or shut up, and stop bugging me with your shit.
posted by big al at 9:07 PM
5 Comments:
I've avoided her for years.
I am so glad.
Simply put.
I remember seeing a cartoon of her at the beach once. She was wearing a huge robe, floppy hat, oversized sunglasses, and hiding under an umbrella. If that's how you dress at the beach, you should be shopping for a burqua, not a bathing suit.
When you think about it, Cathy has pretty good self-image for someone who has no nose. I mean, she doesn't appear to have any nasal passages at all! Instead of a normal sneeze, Cathy is forced to scream "AACK" while mucous shoots out of the top of her head--imagine the embarrassment. Yet she is still able to venture out into the cruel, nose-having world to shop for ridiculously undersized bathing suits. We should probably cut Cathy some slack...
As for the jokes, we should be happy there are jokes at all. If Cathy were in For Better or Worse, Elektra would have drowned trying to save Charlene from a flooded creek and Irving would have herpes.
Has anyone posted a Top Ten list of bad things they want to have happen to Cathy? (Such as being bitten by her dog with rabies, finding out that her new husband is having an affair with Charlene, who is HIV-positive, etc.) That could be lots of fun!
1) Cathy is mauled by her dog and her face is horribly disfigured. She undergoes a face transplant, which includes a NOSE! Unsure what this new organ does, Cathy is unprepared when hay fever season hits. She drips snot all over her new transplant, which becomes infected. The infection spreads to her brain and she dies.
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